JOKES

WEST INDIAN JOKES

 

OTHER JOKES

 

 

 

 

WEST INDIAN JOKES
 
Local Call to Heaven

A European decided to write a book about famous religious structures around the world. So, he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way across the world.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call". The European, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The European thanked him and went along his way.

Next stop was Paris. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw a similar golden telephone with a similar sign beneath it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and so asked a passing nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for 100,000 Francs he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the European.

He then travelled throughout Europe, Africa, Asia, Australasia and North and Central America. In every church, synagogue, mosque and temple he saw the same golden telephone with a sign showing the equivalent of £10,000 per call" beneath it.

The European, upon leaving the U.S., saw a sign for Trinidad and decided to see if Trinidadians had the same phone. He arrived in Port of Spain, and again, saw the same golden telephone, but this time the sign beneath read "25 cents per call."

The European was surprised, so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many religious structures. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every country the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Trinidad now son, it's a local call".

 

A Beer is a Carib

After the Great British Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Carib sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered...

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Carib?" and the Carib president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

 

How to call the police in Trinidad (and get them to actually come)

Andre Lashley of Diego Martin, Trinidad was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Andre opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "is someone in your house?" and he told them no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. Andre said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Lashleys residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to Andre: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

Andre said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

Smart Jamaican

A young Jamaican man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Jamaica on a vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jamaican man hands over the keys to a new brand BMW 740i.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

The Jamaican produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the BMW into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a successful business man. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Jamaican replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

The bank employees watch as he pulls out of the garage, windows down and sunroof open.

The music was blasting from his car as he pulled away,

"We run tings, tings nuh run we, everyting we do, it dun properly ...."

 
Only A Jamaican, Guyanese and a Trinidadian

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London: a Trinidadian, a Guyanese and a Jamaican who were all hungry because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan.

The Jamaican went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque.
"But I paid you!" the Jamaican shouted.
The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Jamaican leave.

Five minutes later the Guyanese walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food.
"But I paid you!" The Guyanese shouted.
This time the manager came and had to calm down the Guyanese, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Guyanese go.

Ten minutes later the Trinidadian walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Carib beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal. Before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so...

Before he could finish, the Trinidadian chimed in loudly "Hear meh nah boss, dat is your problem...jus give meh change."

 

Neighbours

Two Guyanese neighbours were living in Florida. One called the FBI...

The phone rings at FBI Headquarters:

FBI Agent: "Hello?"
Guyanese: "Hello, is dis de FBI?"
FBI Agent: "Yes. What do you want?"
Guyanese: "Mi calling to report mi neighba dey! Dey name Seymour, Sah. Dey a hide marijuana in dey firewood."
FBI Agent: "This will be noted, Sir."

Next day, the FBI goons went over to the Seymour's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, broke every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Seymour and leave.

The phone rings over at Seymour's house:

"Hey, Seymour! di FBI dey come?"
"Yeh Man!"
"Dey chop yuh firewood?"
"Yeh Man, Dey chop up de whole ah it - mi have nuff firewood now. Mi can even sell some."
"Okay, a fi mi turn now. Yuh hafi call dem. A need mi garden plow up."

 
Donkey To Sell

Jonsey buy a donkey from Ramsingh, a old farmer pardner, for $300. Ramsingh agree to deliver the donkey the next day. Next day, Ramsingh drive up and said, "Sorry Jonsey, but I have some bad news. The donkey dead."

"Well gie me back meh money," said Jonsey.
"Worse news boy, I went and spen it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"Wha yuh go wid him?" asked Ramsingh.
"You doh worry, I go raffle him."
"You cyar raffle a dead donkey. Yuh mad or what!"
"Who say so....you makin joke. Watch me. I ent tellin nobody he dead," said Jonsey.

A month later Ramsingh bounce up Jonsey in the market. "Jonsey, wha happen with yuh dead donkey boy?" Jonsey replied, "Ah raffle him off nuh. Ah sell 500 hundred tickets at 5 dollars and ah rake in $2,500.00"

"Nobody eh make noise?" "Only de fella who win.
So ah gie him back he five dollars!"

 
Mango joke

Three men were sentenced to die... a Chinese, a Jamaican, and Trinidadian.

On the day they were sentenced to hang, the priest asked each man "what's your last wish?"
The Chinese man said "Give me a moo goo gai pan."
After he ate the meal, they hung him.

The Jamaican was next.
He said "give me some ackee, saltfish and jerk chicken."
After he ate his meal, they hung him too.

The Trinidadian then gave his last wish.
He said: "Well, its a very long time that I haven't sucked a mango."

The priest replied: "Sorry, its not mango season."

The Trini replied: Well, I will wait."

 

Slap!

A Trini guy, a Guyanese man, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and .. it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The old woman, beautiful girl and the Trini guy are sitting there looking perplexed. The Guyanese is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The old woman is thinking : That Guyanese guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.

The Guyanese is thinking : "Damn it,that Trini guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead."

The beautiful girl is thinking : "That Guyanese must have moved to kiss me,but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."

The Trini is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Guyanese again.

 
This is Trinidad for you

A man walked into a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in Trinidad and "passed out" on the floor. People gathered around to help him by fanning and doing everything they could to help him regain consciousness.

Someone peeled an orange and started squeezing the juice into his mouth, whereupon the man suddenly came back to life, pushed the person away and yelled:

"if ah did want orange, ah woulda fall down in de market."

 
Big Man, Little Yute

Ah lil' yute liming on de block, minding his own business when all of ah sudden ah big fella pass and hit him WHAP !! -- knocks him on de ground.

De big fella say, "dat was ah karate chop from Korea."

De lil' youth thinking "GEEZ," but he get back up an chillin' on de block as normal again, when all of ah sudden --WHAP !! - de big fella lick him down AGAIN and say:

"dat was ah judo chop from Japan."

So de youth vex now... He get up, brush he self off and quietly leave. De youth man gone fuh about ah hour and come back. He walks up real easy and quiet behind the big fella and -- WWHHHAAAAAAATTTTAAAAAAPPPPP !!!! -- knock him out cold.

De lil' yute watch ah next pardna and say:

"When he wake up, tell him dat is ah 2x4 from Mr. Chin Hardware Store right here in Trinidad."

 

Always Listen Tuh Yuh Woman...NOT

Ah man bed sleeping with he wife when he hear somebody knocking on de door. He roll over and check de clock-half past three in de morning. He thinking "I eh getting out ah meh bed now", and roll back over.

Den, de person start tuh knock louder. "Yuh nuh answering dat?" wifey say. So he crawl out of bed, and run downstairs.

When he open de door he see ah man standing at the door drunk like ah fish. "Eayee" de stranger say, "Yuh could give meh ah push?"

"Nah gone from here, is half past three in the morning" says de man and he slam the door. He run back up in he bed and tell he wife what happen and she say "Dexter, dat wasn't nice. Remember dat night we break down in de rain on the way to pick de children up from de baby-sitter and you had tuh knock on de people house to help we get we car tuh start? What yuh think woulda happen dey did tell me "NAH"?

"But de man drunk. "He say "It doh matter. Wife say. "He need we help and is de right thing to do. So de husband jump out ah bed again, get dressed, and run downstairs. He open de door, and eh see de stranger,....so he shout out:

"Hey yuh still want ah push?? "and he hear a voice brawl out "Yeah please."
So, he still cyar see de stranger he shout out: "Whey yuh?"

And de stranger reply: "Over here, in de back yard...ON YUH SWING."

 

Island Talk

A Canadian Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the Trini driver that because he was wearing his seatbelt he had just won $5,000 in the Province safety competition.

"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.

"Well, I goin get a driver's license," he answered. "Oh, doh listen to him," yelled the Guyanese woman in the passenger's seat..."He does talk chupidness when he drunk."

This woke up the Bajan guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned,"I knew we was not gonna get far in dis thiefin car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a Jamaican voice said, in patois, "Yow!, I man mek it crass di barder yet?"

Now they all were very nervous.

The patrolman said, "I always loved the island music but never understood the words. Here's your voucher, have a nice day.

 
Flight Attendant

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.

A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.

Next he tries United, saying "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman barked back at him "Man, wha do you want?" The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, BWIA".

 
A Big Shot Guyanese

Big shot Guyanese, Joe, grew up in Berbice, then went away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Guyana because he felt he could be a big shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office among the big sawatees.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to create a big impression for this new prospective client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe grab up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Supreme Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be making the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide the necessary support."

He went on playing himself, "Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently and quite unperturbed as Joe rattled instructions filled with endless legal jargon. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone."

 

Accent

A young Trinbago Yankee was having a conversation with a Trinidadian one day and told him that she had returned to Trinidad to get married. He couldn't understand why after living abroad for so many years she couldn't find a nice man to marry instead of coming back to Trinidad.

She eventually told him that she was getting married to a "Mexican doctor" (in a very pronounced American accent at that). Well the guy couldn't believe what he had heard and told her."A Mexican doctor! But girl, ah real happy for yuh. Yuh real do good for yuhself!".

Eventually the day of the wedding came and the same guy who she told about the wedding decided that he wanted to pass by and see for himself how things were proceeding. He however noticed that all that was playing at the reception was dub music. He couldn't understand how they would only be playing dub music and the guy was Mexican, so he decided to ask someone about it.

He said, "Hear nah...how come dey playin so much ah dub, an de fella is a Mexican doctor?". The other person said, "Mexican doctor?...man... de fella is a maxi conductor!!"

 

BWIA Abbrevations

1. Baggage Wandering In Africa
2. Better Walk If Able
3. Bound to Wait In Airport
4. But Will It Arrive?

 
Clever Trini Woman

A Trini woman and a Trini man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a Trini man; that's interesting. I'm a Trini woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign from God!"

The Trini woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the Trini man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands the it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 

Two Trinis

Two Trinis go hiking and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.

After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.

The first Trini turns to the second and says,

"You hafta go back and get de opener or else we ain't go get any Carib."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you go eat all de food."

"I promise I won't," says the Trini.?Just hurry nah man!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Trini.

Exasperated and starving, the first Trini digs into the sandwiches...

Suddenly, the second Trini pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I not going!!!!"

 
Bajan vs. Trini

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is Bajan. She asked her students to raise their hands if they were Bajan too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Charlene has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not Bajan."

"Then", asked the teacher, "What are you?".

Im a proud Trini." boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asked Charlene why she is a Trini.

"Well, my mom and dad are Trini, so i am Trini too."

The teacher is now angry. "Thats no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause and then a smile. "Then," says Charlene "I would be a Bajan."

 

Best Patients

Five Caribbean Surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first a Cuban surgeon says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second a Jamaican responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third a Barbadian surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth a Guyanese surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...
those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over

But the fifth a Trinidadian surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You' re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable.

 
Clocks

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have Never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Patrick Manning's clock?" asked the man. "Manning's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan.

 

3 West Indians Friends

Three buddies talking bout if they in they casket and friends and family are mourning over them, what they would like to hear them say 'bout them?

The first fella say, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."

The second fella say, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who mek a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The third fella say, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK DEY, HE MOVING!!!!!"

 

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage

A Guyanese couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Trinidad. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. “What a peaceful & loving couple”. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice’.

“We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, “A wa do yu gyal, why yu shoot an kill da poor animal like dat, yu mad?” “Ah how abbi two go get around now?” Then she looked at me, and quietly said, ‘That’s once’.

 

Trinis!

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "Ah have to talk to you, yes."

It have some Trinis up here in Heaven who causing real problems.
Dey swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn missing, BBQ sauce and curry all over dey robe;
cow-heel, chicken foot and pigtail bone all over the streets of Gold.

Some ah dem walkin around with one wing saying is ah style.

Dey late taking turn keeping de stairway to Heaven clean, it have ah setta watermelon seed all over the clouds and dem

Dey only playing ah setta soca an dub, some ah dem protesting saying dat they entitled to public holidays and carnival.

Some ah dem ent wearing dey halos, saying "it doh fit with dey hairstyles".

The Lord said, " I made them special, as I did you, my angel.
Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call up the Devil".

The devil answered the phone, "Hello?
Yes,Lord ........wha de...... hole on a minute."

The devil returned to the phone and said, " Yeah Lord, wha yuh want?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kinds of problems you are having down there..."
The devil said, "Ooohh... hold on... hold on" and put the Lord on hold.

After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Eh heh... what it is yuh ask meh jus now?"

The Lord said, "What kinds of problems are you having down there?"

The devil said, "Buh eh eh....look, hole orn...."
This time the devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The devil returned and said, "Look I sorry eh, but I cyah talk to yuh right now nah.
Dem Trinis and dem put out de fire again, and now dey installing air conditioning in meh place".

 

Materialistic

A Jamaican man driving his new BMW pulls over 4 some air, a truck crashes in2 his door, sending it flying off the hinges. When the cop arrive the Jamaican says "Star, di man jus rip di door off mi new bimma!" The cop replies "u jamaicans r so materialistic, ur so worried bout ur car door u didn't even realize ur hand was ripped off as well" da Jamaican looks @ his amputated hand n screams" CHEEUUPPSS mi Rolex gaan"

Added Jan 05/11
--Thanks to Suresh

 
OTHER JOKES
 

Car Door

Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.

The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun!

By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

 

Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

My darling Becky, he whispered.
Hush, my love, she said. Rest. Shhh, don't talk. He was insistent.
Becky, he said in his tired voice I have something I must confess to you.

There's nothing to confess, replied the weeping Becky. Everything's all right, go to sleep.
No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"

I know" Becky whispered softly. That's why I poisoned you.

 
Be warned...

A man was driving down the road He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash. He couldn't believe it! So he turned and going a snail's pace, he passed the camera. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must have a fault and home he went.

Four weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seatbelt.

 

Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized. Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub.
Okay, here's your test:

1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the cup."

"Noooooo.." answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

 

Old Age Joke

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember that."
"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.
"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that."
He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

 

Fried Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,
"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

Valentines Gift

A woman wakes up on Feb. 14th and tells her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentines Day. What do you think it means??"

"You'll know tonight" he says.

That evening, the man comes home with a small package and gives it to his wife.

Delighted, she opens it and finds..

.. a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams"

 

Anniversary Gift

Bill's friend Harry was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning his wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Not sure when Harry gets out of the Hospital.

 

3 Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily Iraq briefing.
He concludes by saying:"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"How many is a brazillion?"

 

Fear

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

The Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

The Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Then the Chicken says: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet craps itself."

 

Old Age

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
t
eary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are you crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

Added Sept 21/06
--Thanks to Sherry

 

The Mexican

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Added Oct 23/06
--Thanks to Reshma

 
You Know You Are Having a Bad Day When...

- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

- You put both contacts in the same eye.

- You turn on the news and they are showing escape routes out of the city.

- You walk to work and later discover that your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

- You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business who called.

- Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

- You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

And the Surest Sign You Are Having a Bad Day...

- You wake up to realize your waterbed has burst... but then recall that you've never owned a waterbed.

 

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